limbo

Wow. It's been a while.

Lots has changed. I don't review books so much anymore. I don't go to school anymore, either. I've finished sixth-form with A*A*A, and my dog may be dying. I've taken more depression naps than ever, and yet supposedly, because of my results, I'm set for the rest of my life. And yet, I'm broke, sad, and too big for the village I'm still stuck in.

To be honest, I don't even know why I'm spending my time writing on this. It feels as if I'm adding to someone else's diary. A few years have passed, but my life is completely different. And every time my old school bus passes my house, I'm reminded of how I've grown past all those years of my life which felt as if they'd last forever. No more school, no more stress over grades. No more petty friendship dramas, no more...anything. And although I've ended it all on a relatively good note, it still feels as if I haven't quite moved on. And I guess that whole mindset is manifested in the fact that I'm spending my time going through my old blogs, rather than going to freshers week like the rest of my friends. Hopefully, that will happen in due course - I'm only taking a gap year - but still, it feels as if I've grown out of school, but I've been left behind by university. I'm in a weird, in-between limbo, fitting nowhere, going nowhere. I'm drifting apart from my friends, becoming more isolated.

And today, when I found this blog, it felt as if I was coming face to face with myself. But something wasn't quite right; either there was a turn of phrase that I don't use anymore, or a way of writing that seemed like a messy collage of somebody else's. In those posts I saw my teenage years, but I also saw how I no longer resided there.

What scares me most is that I can't remember when that change happened. Life is passing me by so quickly, and it's as if I barely have time to register it. And it makes me sad because there is so much beauty in the world, and yet I only appreciate the profundity of it in hindsight. All I can hope is that maybe one day, I can enjoy a moment without feeling sad that as soon as it came, it slipped into the past again. Until then, I'll keep looking forward, hoping.